DOES ANYTHING EVER WORK IN NIGERIA?

This is the same question that I have been asking myself for the past two weeks or so. Some may say that it is a rhetorical question- but even at that, I can’t believe that I was blindfolded into thinking 9ja was getting kind of better (at least, I supposed).

So here’s the gist- I needed to open a dorm account* ASAP. In order to do this, I’d need amongst other things, two (2) referees who have active current accounts (preferably with that particular bank). Easy. Pshewww. Far from it.

Before now, I’ve always doffed my hat for this particular bank in question because I had this notion that they were one of the best in the country. This experience has made me come to the realisation that no matter how efficient a company seem to be, once it’s on Nigerian soil...

Back to my chronicle. Correct me if I’m wrong here- don’t our banks brag about the fact that they operate Universal Banking?* what this translates into is that you can transact at any of the branches of the bank even though that’s not your domicile branch. Based on this perfect and logical representation, I decided to go open this account in a different branch.

Having tendered all the relevant documents and my two filled reference forms at this branch, I was told that the documents will be scanned and transferred to my domicile branch for confirmation. 1, 2, 3, 4 days passed. No word from my domicile branch. At that point, I made up my mind to go pay them a visit at my domicile branch.

First of all, the customer care agent that attended to me was ‘everything’ but nice. For a moment, I thought maybe we’ve met under unpleasant circumstances before. But then, I don’t know him from Adam. At last, I was told the documents had not gotten to them. What? 4 days! You must be kidding me. After showing them a little of my lawyerly skills for over an hour, it was discovered that the CIS officer (whatever that means) from the other branch ‘slept on my documents’ or should I say ‘was yet to scan them?’

‘I need to see your manager’, I demanded. ‘The manager is not in’, I was told. So, the supervisor came to see me. After sparking and sparking on any and every officer around, some strings were pulled and within 5 minutes, my documents arrived. Next step was to confirm that the referees’ accounts were active. Done. However, they still had to put a call through to my referees to make sure they ‘know me’. ‘This would not take more than 24 hours’, I was told. ‘In the meantime, your account number is ready so you can now proceed to deposit your dollars’, he said. Continuing, he explained to me that even though I could deposit funds into my account, I would be unable to withdraw or transfer funds from my account until the referees have been called. 24 hours, right? Fair enough, I thought.

1, 2, 3 days. The bank was yet to notify me of the status of my account. So I picked up my phone and called. ‘Sorry, we have not been able to confirm your referees’, I was told. I then asked what the problem was. I was told that was as far as I could know. ‘When we confirm the referees, you’d be notified.’

So people I ask y’all, what is the use of having an account that I can’t use but can deposit money into? Totally outrageous, if you’d ask me.

To think that we’ve actually been told to rebrand Nigeria (good people...great nation). How long will we continue to deceive ourselves that we are doing just fine in Nigeria? This is Self deception (or should I say self-denial) of the highest order.

We need more than a vague rebranding campaign. We need more than just self reassurance that it’s not as bad as it seem. We need a total transformation (or reformation) of our values and ideals. We need to start acting with our conscience and good reasoning. We need to stop seeing Nigeria as ‘no man’s business’ and start seeing it as if ‘our lives depend on its growth’.

P.S. It’s now 2 days and I’m still waiting for my bank to call me!