MIRRORING INTO THE FUTURE (1)

Have you ever imagined what it would feel like to actually have a glimpse of what destiny holds for you today? Funny? Actually, I must admit, it is rather wishful thinking, a getaway lane to an illusory world, at best.

Some fellows have somewhat devised a way of hoodwinking unsuspecting, desperate and gullible seekers into believing that they possess the power to see into the future. There are so many conspiracy theories on this issue. I have seen people who so much trust in the authenticity of these predictions (emphasis mine) that if you dared to dissuade them from accepting as true what they’ve been told, you’d be incurring the wrath of their rather ‘powerless’ self.

I ask, who cannot ‘prophesy’? I have said so many things out of sheer boredom that turn out to be true at the end of the day. Doesn’t that make me a transferee of the authority given to Isaiah? Could I not be likened to one of the direct descendants of Elijah?

Hear this. I was with a friend the other night and all of a sudden, she goes ‘this electricity would go

 off right about now’ Loo and Behold, it happened! The birth of a soothsayer! If she does this with impeccable precision for a couple of times, she could pass off as a clairvoyant, wont her?

Well, I understand the gullibility of this people. Who wouldn’t want to know what happens the next minute, considering the tried, tested and trusted nature of their ‘works’?

Herein lays the mischief. I am a very strong follower of coincidental happenings when it comes to this matter. The fact that you make a prediction and it comes to pass does not make you a seer. Chance. As the holy book puts it, the race is not to the swift...nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. It goes on to say that for man also know not his time...

So why would a man lay claim to an ability to see into the future? Why would a person think because he has done this- once, twice, he now has the audacity to declare himself a prophet? So what is the whole essence of my existence if a being could tell me what the future holds for me? (so that I can either make amends in the present to enjoy the future or otherwise)

To me, life is like different pages of a novel; you never know what is on the other page until you flip

 the leaf.

But then, I wish...

...To be continued

DOES ANYTHING EVER WORK IN NIGERIA?

This is the same question that I have been asking myself for the past two weeks or so. Some may say that it is a rhetorical question- but even at that, I can’t believe that I was blindfolded into thinking 9ja was getting kind of better (at least, I supposed).

So here’s the gist- I needed to open a dorm account* ASAP. In order to do this, I’d need amongst other things, two (2) referees who have active current accounts (preferably with that particular bank). Easy. Pshewww. Far from it.

Before now, I’ve always doffed my hat for this particular bank in question because I had this notion that they were one of the best in the country. This experience has made me come to the realisation that no matter how efficient a company seem to be, once it’s on Nigerian soil...

Back to my chronicle. Correct me if I’m wrong here- don’t our banks brag about the fact that they operate Universal Banking?* what this translates into is that you can transact at any of the branches of the bank even though that’s not your domicile branch. Based on this perfect and logical representation, I decided to go open this account in a different branch.

Having tendered all the relevant documents and my two filled reference forms at this branch, I was told that the documents will be scanned and transferred to my domicile branch for confirmation. 1, 2, 3, 4 days passed. No word from my domicile branch. At that point, I made up my mind to go pay them a visit at my domicile branch.

First of all, the customer care agent that attended to me was ‘everything’ but nice. For a moment, I thought maybe we’ve met under unpleasant circumstances before. But then, I don’t know him from Adam. At last, I was told the documents had not gotten to them. What? 4 days! You must be kidding me. After showing them a little of my lawyerly skills for over an hour, it was discovered that the CIS officer (whatever that means) from the other branch ‘slept on my documents’ or should I say ‘was yet to scan them?’

‘I need to see your manager’, I demanded. ‘The manager is not in’, I was told. So, the supervisor came to see me. After sparking and sparking on any and every officer around, some strings were pulled and within 5 minutes, my documents arrived. Next step was to confirm that the referees’ accounts were active. Done. However, they still had to put a call through to my referees to make sure they ‘know me’. ‘This would not take more than 24 hours’, I was told. ‘In the meantime, your account number is ready so you can now proceed to deposit your dollars’, he said. Continuing, he explained to me that even though I could deposit funds into my account, I would be unable to withdraw or transfer funds from my account until the referees have been called. 24 hours, right? Fair enough, I thought.

1, 2, 3 days. The bank was yet to notify me of the status of my account. So I picked up my phone and called. ‘Sorry, we have not been able to confirm your referees’, I was told. I then asked what the problem was. I was told that was as far as I could know. ‘When we confirm the referees, you’d be notified.’

So people I ask y’all, what is the use of having an account that I can’t use but can deposit money into? Totally outrageous, if you’d ask me.

To think that we’ve actually been told to rebrand Nigeria (good people...great nation). How long will we continue to deceive ourselves that we are doing just fine in Nigeria? This is Self deception (or should I say self-denial) of the highest order.

We need more than a vague rebranding campaign. We need more than just self reassurance that it’s not as bad as it seem. We need a total transformation (or reformation) of our values and ideals. We need to start acting with our conscience and good reasoning. We need to stop seeing Nigeria as ‘no man’s business’ and start seeing it as if ‘our lives depend on its growth’.

P.S. It’s now 2 days and I’m still waiting for my bank to call me!

LESSONS from the BUS

I must say, before moving any inch further that for the past 2weeks, my sleeping pattern has drastically changed. Thanks to my newly found love-INTERNET. I now go to bed as late as 3am and would wake up at intervals to check out one or two things (that are not of relevance to you). By 7am, I am fully awake-ready to face the day’s business.

Today was no exception-I woke up fully by 7:13am. By 9am, I was well on my way to Ikeja (to attend to some of my business concerns). To get to Ikeja, I had to take a bus from campus to Yaba (under bridge) and from there, I’d take another to Ikeja (under bridge). The catchy moments of this day happened in both buses.

In Bus 1, after about 5 minutes of complete silence on board, suddenly, a voice from the back commenced singing in an ascending tone. Within a short period of time, the man was chanting so loud that I could hear sighs from other commuters, including me. Though he was singing Christian Songs, the loud echo made it loose its essence.

However, the message that the man preached afterwards made me forget about the seemingly inconvenience that I thought he had caused me. He spoke of people who know what ought to be done but whose lives portray nothing close to that which they know is right. He taught on the need for Christians to yearn for Christ which by necessary implication would lead them to eternity rather than strife to chase vanity which would lead to eternal damnation. I really needed this message to remind me to always put first things first.

Having experienced this mind-soothing revelation, I thought I’d had it for the day. I was so wrong: there was still one more lesson I had to learn for the day. When I got to Bus 2, there were already 8 occupied spaces- 4 more to go. So we had to wait for the remaining 4 seats to get occupied. 5 minutes. 10 minutes passed- not a single soul came close to entering the bus. At that point, everybody started clamouring for the bus driver to drive off. If only he knew what was to be his fate, he would have drove off that instance. But No! He employed every delay tactics known to man to make sure he got his bus ‘filled up’.

He initially started with trying to adjust a seat belt that was no better than a worn out piece of cloth. This, he did for over 3 minutes. Thereafter, he moved the bus some 10inches away from its original spot: in his mind, he had fooled us into believing that he was ready to leave. Proper M.U.M.U! The passengers kept on screaming ‘driver, go now!’ His reply all this while was ‘these other cars wey dey for road no wan make I pass.’ Within me, I was like ‘do you honestly think that we are a bunch of 2month-old babies?’

Within the twinkle of an eye (or should I say the movement of a shadow?), 3 people had left the bus. N300 gone. Just like that. Another space worth of N100 was also on the verge of becoming vacant. Going. Going. Gone! At that moment of reality, it dawned on the driver that if he did not stop fooling himself, he would lose the remaining passengers before his very eyes.

At this point, knowing that we now had him at our mercies, we all threatened to board another bus. ‘E ma binu’(don’t be angry) became his outburst. One of us then told him that for wasting our precious time, we all would pay N20 less the original fare. He accepted this offer with arms wide open.

Pride, they say comes before downfall and greed is the machine that pushes one into the factory of regrets and helplessness. This I learnt from my experience in Bus 2.

All in all, I had fun.

Mariere Madness...

‘I wan confess oh! I wan confess oh!’

This was the exact echo that woke almost half of Mariere’s inhabitants this fateful morning. For those of you who might not know where or what Mariere is, it is arguably the most sort after male hostel in the University of Lagos. Not only because it is known as the Scholars’ Hall (some may say it is living on ‘past glories’), but also because it is relatively conducive and peaceful compared to the other hostels (no disrespect).

By morning, I mean 2am. You can imagine the gravity of this outburst at this time of the day. Well, because this was an unusual occurrence in Mariere, we (at least those who woke up), ventured to find out what the problem was. Tracing the particular room from which the noise emanated was far from being easy. At last, we got to the room! One of the rooms on the 3rd Floor!

Upon getting to this room, we met a heavily sweat-drenched guy on the floor. ‘What is the matter?’- most people asked him. ‘I wan confess oh’ – he continued. An already frustrated fellow from the back of the crown then let out his fury, saying- ‘confess now or never’.

Instantaneously, the most ridiculously and unimaginable answer i have ever heard followed. ‘I dey Hungry!’ Yes. That was the confession ‘our guy’ wanted to make.

Right there and then, if i were to choose between letting this guy go without a scratch on his skin and jumping into the Lagoon from the 3rd Main Land Bridge, i would gladly have chosen the latter option. As a matter of fact, my palm was some split seconds away from stamping his fairly-toned cheek when he screamed, ‘April Fool, April Fool!’

At that moment, it dawned on all of us present in that room that it was 1st of April! Oh My God! How come not even one of us thought of that? HE outsmarted us. Plain and Simple!